Added: Cerra Dupuy - Date: 22.09.2021 06:32 - Views: 36951 - Clicks: 6193
Brother in law is moving in and I feel like moving out June 9, AM Subscribe My soon to be brother in law will be moving in with my partner and me for 3 months, and for a of reasons, I am feeling very anxious about this. Looking to hear from others that might have had to deal with living with difficult family members, and anything proactive that we could do beforehand to make this living situation bearable. My partner and I are planning to get married in a few weeks, and we just received the news that my partner's brother is going through a 3 month trial separation from his wife, and needs a place to stay.
My partner and I talked this over, and because his brother really doesn't have anyone else, and does not have enough money to live on his own, I agreed to let him live with us. First, we live in a tiny old house, with very limited storage space, so he will be living in our attic, which is currently where I store all my clothes and belongings. Second, and what is more concerning to me, is that the brother is a very difficult person — he can be moody, and has a reputation for being a bully.
For example, when I first met him, he yelled at me for pronouncing his name incorrectly. My partner and I are planning to get married in a few weeks, and I am torn between wanting to be a supportive partner, but also not really wanting to get married until the brother is out of our house.
Another part of me also has the irrational thought that I might just need to run away from the whole situation if it gets really bad. I am trying not to convey too much of my anxiety to my partner, because he is also stressed out from this situation, and because he just started a new and more stressful job. Has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation? Any suggestions of what we can communicate to the brother before he moves in?
He will not be paying rent, due to the lack of money, but he did agree to chip in for utilities. Thanks so much in advance! I really think you should not let him move in. If he has no money this could turn into an indefinite situation and it could ruin your marriage. It's not worth it - put on your own oxygen mask first. Tell him you've realized it won't work out and offer to help him find resources.
Before you meet with the brother, meet with your partner. Behind closed doors, or at an offsite place where the two of you can speak openly, freely, bluntly and honestly. The two of you MUST be on the same when it comes to your visitor. What will you allow? What will you not allow? Will someone need to be good cop? Bad cop? What happens if brother goes off the deep end and gets abusive or violent? Don't make it about your anxiety, make it about having guidelines that all three of you can live with while you're under one roof. I think that your anxiety will be abated or lessened by having these things in writing, and having a clear plan should something happen.
If the two of you cannot come to an agreement, then I would not let the brother move in. Full stop. He should be contributing to utilities, food, household chores, gardening etc. There are rules hoe you treat each other in the house and they are a, b, c. You don't navigate the conversation, your partner does. And you agree a firm date for moving out. It does not matter if he moves back to spouse or on to a new single life but he moves out of your house. Having someone moving in with you thru the first couple of months of your new marriage doesn't sound like a pleasant situation even setting aside the other aspects.
If it's a trial separation, he will likely be bearing extra emotional burdens, and it has the potential to extend into a longer arrangement if the separation le to divorce. Would it be at all possible for you to help him find a cheap studio apartment and help him with the rent? If he does move in with you, I agree with Major Matt Mason Dixon that working out boundaries in advance is essential, and has nothing to do with your anxiety or his personality. First thing you do: give him a date certain when he's moving out. Not "Hey, Jeff, we'd like you to move out by such and such," not "Well, as long as he's looking for a new place he can stay" -- a actual date certain, as in "Your lease is up by month, day, year, and on that day, it's aloha on the steel guitar; you and all your stuff are out, full stop.
Second, as noted above, you and your partner should agree to present a united front to him in case he does act badly, and if you can't agree to that, then nope, he should not move in. You really, really, really do not want to get into a situation where he's somehow playing his sister off against you, nor do you want to get into a situation where he manages to turn you into the bad cop. I'm with the Major, and would add "How long before we kick him out?
I would hate this. Fuck no. That's what I would tell my partner. Not ever, but especially not when we are just fucking getting married. The brother-in-law is a fucking asshole. But I'm not you and I can't understand the dynamics of this situation. Police will be called if he tries any shit. Talk to your partner about making it less than 3 months.
That's really a very long time and could easily snowball into a semi-permanent situation, especially if the trial separation doesn't go well for him. If brother can't support himself now, why is 3 months going to be magic? One month seems like a reasonable amount of time and then he can find something more independent for the other 2 months. Make strict house rules about behavior, responsibilities, and expectations. Make sure that your partner is ready to stick to them. Make brother aware that if he breaks the house rules, he will be asked to leave immediately.
If he can't pay rent, he can do more chores. And, there should be hours where he's expected to be out working at a new job or two, I hope! The less ritzy his experience, the more motivated he may be to not stay forever. He should not be able to come into your home, act as though he doesn't have to contribute and can loaf around all day.
I'd also want to delay the marriage, frankly. Getting married is wonderful and you want to really enjoy your super newlywed time. If brother is there, you may end up being anxious and stressed instead. If you can delay without creating tons of problems with the events you've planned, I'd be really tempted to do that. It's OK to say no to this. Really, it is. Brother's failed marriage, his lack of social connections and safety net, and his inability to support himself are all the result of decisions he's made.
You do not need to sacrifice your happiness and peace to prevent him from dealing with the consequences of his choices. I would say no. To the point where this is something I would solve with money, if at all possible. Depending on your financial situation, I would rather help partially pay for 3 months of rent than to have him move in. If he moves in, it would be difficult to move him out, not to mention the emotionally burden. Maybe find him a longterm stay motel or something instead. We had a friend stay with us for about a month once.
It was not a tiny house, and we actually like this person. But because our life is not setup to incorporate another person, and definitely not another person who has a different way of living than we do, it was actually quite difficult on us. And when she did extend her stay by a week, we were definitely on frayed nerves. And it wasn't even because of her, just because we didn't like living with someone else.
I can't imagine living with someone I would actively avoid. This is your home. You should feel comfortable in it, before you let anyone else stay in it.How to deal with brother in law living with you
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Living With My Brother-in-Law